And here we are again! And I’m still waiting for the bloody phone to ring to let me know which of the two gigs I’m up for I’ve got – if either of them comes through for me, of course. So, at the time of writing, well, beginning to write this, next week (wk beg 11th Oct, 2021) is the (in some bits of Scotland) Scottish half term break. It used to be for tattie howking[1] but now it’s increasingly being thought of as being about to be a return to tattie howking.[2] Anyway, we’ve got a week away booked, a wee cottage in Wylam (in between Hexham and Newcastle) which is half an hour away from Beamish (one of our favourite places and, entirely coincidentally in a place called Stanley which also happens to be the name of our puppy[3] who was nearly called Laurel until I said no, if you want to go that way then we call him Stanley because then we can get another one and call it Oliver and I then had to explain that MDBJ[4]) and looks like it has a decent wee pub in it and has a menu that even STG can find something to eat on it (Sweep is still not fussy).[5]

Anyway, so that’s what was meant to be happening that week but then my new agent got in touch and asked me to self-tape for a couple of things. Now, how much of this needs explanation? Self-taping most likely does as we don’t all do it, so here we are:

Self-taping is a soul-destroying process that involves faffing about with lights, a phone, getting children to be quiet, hoping the downstairs neighbour has a quiet night, explaining to MDBJ that she has to read in the other lines – but please do try to do them flat – and that I have to then perform whilst the dog is licking the bloody couch. Really. Do you remember, oh, it might have been Christian Bale screaming at someone on set as he was trying to get a take right and the poor sod was in the wrong place at the wrong time and potentially doing the wrong thing? A bit like that but as it’s a puppy he got away with it quite lightly (see: https://twitter.com/john_ritchie73/status/1442436331142062080)

And all the while I’ve also got to do an ident to camera so they (the faceless ones judging me) can see all of me. And they do not want it in Portrait. Because we all have massive loft like apartment spaces to film in, don’t we? I mean I don’t mind moving all of the furniture in the living room so I can stand in front of the one wall we’ve got that’s suitable for taping in front of to show you my profiles and my hands (they always want to see hands, especially advertisers, the kinky swine that they are), I mean why would that be a problem when I can do it in Portrait so you can see me and then do the rest in Landscape so you can really see me? It’s not like I’m bloody 6’3” or anything and actually can’t do that in Landscape anywhere in my house without there being either the telly or the couch or the fireplace or the dog or a child or just something that MDBJ then panics about as it makes the place look untidy and then they’ll judge her as well.[6]

Look, here is one of them in Portrait:

A person with long hair Description automatically generated with low confidence

Fig. 1: John Ritchie: A portrait in self-taping

And the Alt Text is almost accurate as it says it is a person with long hair, it just doesn’t say it’s from the face. Anyway, if you can see down in the left-hand bottom corner, the blue thing there is the top of the arm of the couch. Now, I’ve tried a number of different placements for the camera, the furniture, the children and so on and this is the best of what can only really be described as a bad bunch. But the thing is that this bit is not that important. They want this bit, the ident to see and hear you as you. It’s usually the same shtick too. The difference is that nowadays they aren’t asking you to hold a bit of paper up with your name written on it as well. No nowadays they ask for your name (John Ritchie), your representation (Rob at RGPM), your height (6’3”) and, nowadays, where you’re based (more on that later). When you do the actual sides, you will be in landscape and you’ll be in a much closer shot.

Such as this:

Fig. 2: John Ritchie: Always check your teeth (and flies) before going on…

Because this way they can see you do the performance thing. And, nowadays, this is what they base their first decision on. The decision as to whether or not they show you to the director and/or producer. What used to happen was you’d (if you were lucky) get a recall and have to go to London for an actual ‘in the room’ crack at it. And there’d be £50 as a fee for it. Nowadays, some of the production companies are pencilling everyone as they don’t pay for recalls in the virtual realm. And that’s a pain in the backside for all of us as it means that we have to keep dates ‘free’ until these people decide.

And it is partly for this reason that they now all want to know where you’re based. Never used to.[7] Because if you were right for the part then you’d get the part and then travel and getting somewhere to sleep would be arranged. Look, think of it in terms of something like Monarch of the Glen, ok? Filmed on the Ardverikie Estate in the Highlands of Scotland. A six month shoot for key cast and crew and far away enough from Glasgow/Edinburgh/Inverness to mean that staying there is out of the question (unless you want a 6 hour commute every day for a 14 hour day of shooting the show? No? Fair enough). So you have to stay near it and that’s at their expense as you’re the talent. And some of the key cast were plush enough to simply buy houses up there. Really, you go and do an air b’n’b up there and there’s a chance the house you’re in is owned by an actor whose name you’d be all, ooh that’s the fella from that show innit…

Although, of course having said that the money people always like you to remember your place as an asset, but only for them. There was an actor filming a show in Scotland and they lived in LA so the production company got them rented accommodation for the duration of the shoot for their character. Only they didn’t. Because the shoot, for that actor anyway, overran by about ten days. So the actor in question (and I’m not naming names here as it isn’t important to know who it was as this is just telling you how this aspect of the biz works) ended up going from a very nice, quite spacious and lovely flat that they had called home for the last six months to, well, a pretty downmarket hotel in Glasgow’s West End.[8] Which seemed really odd as the flat was then given, amazingly about two weeks later, to the next actor who was away from home and working on the show. Go figure, who knows how money people think.

Anyway, one of the things I taped for is an actual movie. With actual names in it. Actually one serious, like proper above the title movie star name. Yer actual Hollywood proper 1980s movie mega star. An actual proper good actor who got famous for being punched a bit and then got pushed too far when he got back from ‘Nam by a small town cop.[9] And the bit I’m up for is a scene with him and the other star name (that bald bloke who used to be a diver, then became a driver, bit of a crank really) and it would be at the opening of the movie and they, the production company are not prepared to pay for travel or accommodation costs and only want to use talent that is based in London or is willing to base themselves in London for the duration of the shoot. Now, I’m only ok with that as I know enough people down in thatLondon[10] who could put me up for a night or two and who also work in the biz so know how it is. But the other gig I’m up for that week is in Birmingham. It is not a movie and does not have actual proper stars in it. It’s a corporate video for a company’s internal use only. And they’re paying travel and putting you up. And whilst I’m not going to disclose the fee for that, I will say that it is almost the same as the standard Equity rate for the movie. Which makes it seem really weird that the big budget movie won’t pay/do all the admin needed for this kind of thing. And, and this is another one of those things about movie stars, y’know the big names and that, they’re both considerably shorter than I am. Which is why I’m so looking forward to it – just to see if they have to stand on a box or if they dig a trench for me to stand in…this is of course IF I get the gig.[11]

Anyway, until the phone rings it’s all pointless speculation and worrying about having to potentially take two cars on holiday just in case I find out on the Monday that I need to be in either Birmingham or London the next day. To be perfectly honest, it’s going to be massively inconvenient one way or another. I either get to go on holiday and relax whilst ruing the missed opportunity for work or I get one day of the holiday and then go and do the other job I’ve got for potentially more money than I get in a month of the other job.[12]

What? You want to see the puppy? Oh, alright then, here he is:

Fig. 3: Stanley. AKA whathaveyougotnow?

He’s five months old now and doing well, thanks.

 

John Ritchie is a Post-Doc Research Fellow and works as an actor and has two kids, a stupidly large rabbit and a puppy with no off switch. He’s so busy he had to eat yogurt with a fork recently as there was no time to rectify the lack of cutlery. Always make sure you have cutlery kids.

 

 

Footnotes

[1] Tattie howking is taking potatoes out of the ground as part of the harvesting of said tubers. School children used to be employed to do this and got a week off school in October to do so. This was then deemed cruel so the little sods got the week off to torture their parents instead of going out and learning the value of proper work.

[2] See Brexit (and other blindingly stupid ideas)

[3] Regular readers will know about the large rabbit, which had nothing to do with me. The dog was very much my idea and I was enthusiastically on board from the outset. I know this as MDBJ has told me.

[4] Bloody heathen that she is at times. To be fair, as soon as I started the explanation she remembered it all and said ‘YES OK THANKS’

[5] We’re back. The pub was very nice and the food was quite good, they even made STG a plain cheese toastie. Beamish was excellent, as ever and the dog got biscuits there so he’s happy too.

[6] Honestly, the house is clean and tidy. But there’s always one thing…

[7] And, thanks to a lot of lobbying by Equity, a lot of parts are cast where they are filmed nowadays but it still feels like the majority are in thatLondon. And the last few months have pretty much shown that there’s no need for that anymore, y’know, because, Zoom, but there we are. Like really, last December, in addition to the TA work I was doing I did over 50 shows on Zoom. Not one person had any problems with it. Thousands of people saw me working and all went ooh at the end when I did the big reveal (keep it clean now, it was my actual voice, not the character ones I used). And I’ve done castings online already so why can’t all of them do it until you are actually in the final three or four selections then go to whichever city and sling you £50 towards yer travel, eh?

[8] These things do exist, as hard as it is to believe.

[9] You know who it is yet? Aye, him. Honestly, watch Copland – he is really good in it.

[10] As it is properly called by everyone else.

[11] At time of writing I’m still pencilled but as we haven’t heard anything since Wednesday it looks unlikely. Shame but that’s the nature of the biz. Don’t get this job so just go and get the next one.

[12] I didn’t. Doesn’t matter as it’s the nature of the business so, onwards and upwards to the next one.