Oh blimey is it that time again already? I mean it seems like only a few weeks since it was time for me to get on with getting things off my chest through this fine organ (can we call it an organ if it’s online?) but here we are again and, hope you’re all ready for my latest incoherent ramblings about the state of the nation, the world, and the box of lights in the corner that never has anything on it anymore.

Really. We are bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I remember the old Yellow Pages had an entry that read:

Boring – see Civil Engineers

And I’m not even smirking at that anymore, that’s how bored we are. We’ve done and been and destroyed box sets, even the ones on the iPlayer. We (that’s me and MDBJ, natch) have watched Hustle (BBC, 2004-2012) from the beginning, mostly as I was trying to remember if the gang did anything actually nice for Eddie the barman at the end. No spoiler here about that but there was the observation from MDBJ that Adrian Lester is pretty much in it as totty. And she’s right. Yes, there are glamorous ladies in the show, but Lester is always there as an identifiable object of desire for the viewer. And that’s fine as that’s part of the character he plays in the show and it is a very good performance throughout all eight seasons. Genuinely worth a watch, each episode around an hour long and nice, escapist guff about a group of con artists (although, the thing is, right, it’s actually Robert Glenister who is the beating heart of the gang – he plays Ash Morgan, the ‘fixer’ for the gang, and there is frankly nothing that he cannot do whether it is complex mechanical and electrical engineering or sourcing enough stuff and people to pretend to be an actual film in production, nothing is beyond his capabilities) who have Robert Vaughn twinkling away like a rogue Grandpa who cannot believe he’s still riding his luck at this ole game. And there’s a few jokes about cowboys and, in the final episode, a direct allusion to The Magnificent Seven as you’d expect but a lack of jokes about uncles which was a bit disappointing.

Fig. 1: The totty that is Adrian Lester in Hustle

TBN has been on a bit as well but we’re nowadays watching more of its international content rather than the regurgitated UK stuff we’ve already seen. Toc Toc (Villanueva, 2017) is a nice little parlour piece about a group of OCD patients who are stuck in a waiting room to see their therapist and lasts about one hour forty, The Tribe (Colomo, 2018) is a comedy that, as MDBJ said, actually features ‘normally shaped women’ (come on, you all know what she means) and had some decent laughs in it as well as touching on themes of loss, betrayal, exploitation and busting out some hip-hop moves (I believe this is how young people say it ?) and I’m actually sorry but I’m struggling to think of others as it’s all becoming a bit endless again but there have been films on there that we watched and enjoyed. Oh, hang on, Welcome Mr President (Milani, 2013) was quite funny, mostly about a man who got thrust into position by accident of name and then tries to get on with the job he’s been hoisted into. We even managed to get through the TV show Le Bazar de la Charité (TBN, 2019) without MDBJ having her usual huff about Audrey Fleurot taking all my attention although the end of the show was, um, well, a little bit too neat if you know what I mean? But it got us through a few nights and Audrey Fleurot is in it so that’s good. And TBN now has another season of Brooklyn 99 (and we’ve already watched it all, alas) but is still not showing the rest of Modern Family which we really quite liked so if any of you can hurry them up then that would be good, thanks.

Fig. 2: Oooft, I may need a wee lie down

As for Sweep, well, she’s six (seven at the end of June) and still loves Molly and Mack (CBeebies show that is a delight) and, unfortunately, all the drivel about trains and such like on TBN. Although she has started watching Spider-Man cartoons in the mornings as they have ‘bad guys’ in them and she still thinks I’m Batman (I’m not, by the way, and there’s video evidence to prove it, see below)

cstonline.nettwitter.com/john_ritchie73/status/1305515211441532933

As for STG, well, it’s been really hard for her. She’s 14 and is missing school and her friends and is going through a bit of make-up stage that seems to cross Cradle of Filth[1] with some giant Pandas but she’s mostly ok and watches CBBC stuff with her wee sister at meal times and then returns to her room to do STG stuff.

Fig. 3: Cradle of Filth frontman, um, Dani Filth, apparently. Just imagine crossing this with a panda.

So, what’s actually happened since I last put thoughts onto virtual paper? More lockdowns, less time getting to actually do anything, the kids are back at school (but they aren’t as it’s still the Easter Holidays where we are (note for Americans – that’s not anything like Spring Break, ok?), my mother has been moved to a care home that costs £1450 A WEEK (even though she was assessed as needing to be in a nursing home which she isn’t) as her dementia got just terrible over the lockdowns, I haven’t been on campus at the Uni of Stirling since March 17th 2020 and still do not know when I will be able to go back and I’ve got a new job!

Yes, in the midst of all the ‘this’ that is happening I went and got a job. I’m now a Research Fellow on a project called GOALD (Generating Older Active Lifestyles Digitally) that runs to the end of 2023.[2] So I am out of the TA/Visiting Lecturer circle for another two and a bit years. And it feels good, people, it feels good. All I’m doing is research and it’s research that will, hopefully, help a lot of people out.

So, here’s a quick question for you – what are your outstanding sporting memories from watching the telly? That 147 break on the snooker? That Denis Taylor victory? See, I’m not a big fan of sport but there are things that I remember, not always good things either but there are moments that still live in my head. 1984, Murrayfield, Scotland win a grand slam in the Five Nations. Watched that on the telly. 1990, Murrayfield, Scotland beat England to deny them a grand slam. Watched that at Murrayfield actually but the telly coverage has been on enough for me to know it backwards, including the whole debate about whether or not the voice of rugby, Bill McLaren, swore when Tony Stanger got the ball and touched it down. 2000, Scotland beat England at Murrayfield. Watched that at Murrayfield and then got really quite pissed that night before watching it again the next day as I’d taped the game. This isn’t just about Scotland winning (which, let’s face it, has been a rare occasion over the last few years in all truth) but it is about the memories that these events bring.

And that’s where this blog will change tone a bit as I really think this project (GOALD) has the potential to help people as they get older, as they start to lose ability and if, as sad as it is, they end up in the same boat as my mum with Alzheimer’s and what can only be described as a weak grasp on the here and now. Look, it isn’t easy. We’ve probably all got stories about a relative or a close family friend that has suffered from these things and it hurts, it really hurts. I, like a lot of us, have not seen my parents for months.[3] The last time I saw my Mum she only just knew who I was and who the kids were. As we were leaving she turned to my Dad and said, “he’s a nice big lad, who is he?” It’s been worse for my Dad, of course. Mum was hospitalised after a fall at home on February 4th and Dad didn’t get to see her again until the 17th of March, after she’d been transferred to the ‘waiting room’ home (she’s there until there’s a space in the actual nursing home she needs to be in). My Dad is 85 and is having to learn how to do things for himself after a lifetime of Mum doing it for him. The family ‘joke’ is that he can now really heat up food from M&S like a pro.[4] I know, when I do get to go to see him again, I’m going to spend a lot of time cooking and freezing things so he has something a bit more exciting to eat every now and then. But to get back to the nearly main topic, my Mum was never a part of watching the rugby on the telly if it was on live. Mostly because every time she walked into the room to see how the game was going the opposition scored. Literally every time. Without fail. Even my uncles used to phone before games and ask us to keep her out of the way. And that was easy enough as our next-door neighbour used to do rugby lunches for home games (we lived in Murrayfield Gardens, just up the hill from the ground) so we all went through there and their dogs came to our house before the game and Mum sat with Hilary sipping G&Ts whilst the game was on and doing half-cut Mum stuff. So I don’t really have TV sporting memories with Mum, I don’t really have any TV memories with my Mum. But I do know that on Wednesdays the family meal was delayed by twenty minutes so my brother and I could watch Star Trek on BBC2. That’s my TV memory of my Mum – her letting us get our way with meal times. That and the volume going up and up over a few years as her hearing started to fail. She actually stopped watching TV as the subtitles didn’t keep up with the images on the news (and were often very, very wrong) and then she just lost any interest in it. And there we are, that’s my Mum who is suffering from dementia just as I start work on a project that is aiming to help people in care homes and so on. I’m not even trying to be funny or glib here anymore, I’m just sitting thinking that overall the last fourteen months have been pretty much horrible for everyone so let’s have a moment where we remember things, nice things, moments that brought us joy and moments that can bring us joy instantly when we are reminded of them. And if it’s a TV memory then that’s absolutely bloody fine.

 

John Ritchie spent the majority of the last twenty-five years working as an actor and performer across all media. He completed his PhD in August 2018. His thesis was written as part of an AHRC-funded project, British Silent Cinema and the Transition to Sound, 1927-1933. John’s main area of research is performance on screens.

 

 

Footnotes

[1] Not quite my cup of tea and also not hers. She’s still trying to hide her enjoyment of something called One Direction from us…

[2] The project is UKRI/ISCF Social Behavioural and Design Research Programme (ESRC) and is part of the Healthy Ageing Scheme.

[3] UPDATE: I have now seen my parents. The travel ban was lifted in Scotland last week, so I have been able to visit my Mum. I went this morning (April 19th, 2021) with cards from the kids and presents for her as today is her birthday (she’s 84). Mum’s care home is about 22 miles from the house she used to live in. I got to stand outside and wave at her through a window. She didn’t have her hearing aids in. The staff took the presents at the front door and directed me round the home to the room she would be in for the visit and then she opened the presents in front of me. All the while not having a clue as to who I was or what was going on. I then got to go and look at Dad in his garden, but could only go into the house to use the loo. Then I came home. It’s Monday but, well, fuck it, I’m having some wine…

[4] ANOTHER UPDATE: Assuming you read the previous footnote you’ll know that I saw Dad today. Didn’t have time to cook there (also not allowed in the house, unless it’s to use the loo) but did take him the leftovers of the lasagne I made yesterday. He’s phoned me already to ask how to heat it up as there are no clearly written instructions.